Category Archives: Coaching

Responsibility Vs Fault

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I was having a conversation with a friend at the weekend where they mentioned a recent injury and that they feel that it was their FAULT that it happened.

Worried-young-woman-being-accused My instant response (*see below for my explanation of this response.) was to ask if it was their FAULT or their RESPONSIBILITY?

This confused them a little and they asked for me to explain the difference, which in the moment I could not verbalise what the difference was, so we agreed drop the question (as I can’t expect someone to answer a question that has not been properly asked) and to move on.

So then as I was driving home it clicked….Continue reading →

Is today really any different?

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This is not the kind of post I would normally share, but today (23/3/14) is a different day.

6 years ago today my dad died.

It was not unexpected, he had been fighting a terminal brain tumour with surgery, radiotherapy, chemotherapy and alternative therapies (mainly Reiki from both me and my mum) for the previous 10 months. The day before I had given him a Reiki session, I had felt the energy shift and there was more energy in the room that day than in any of our other session, I felt a connection to both sets of my grandparents who had passed years before and I asked them to take care of him. I knew it would be our last time together.

His life was about to end and mine was about to change forever, I knew my world was about to fall apart, I was wrong it was about to blow apart.

I thought I was strong.
That I could look after others and not after myself,
that I could ignore the pain and anger that was boiling inside,
that I could carry on without ‘dealing’ with it all

That worked for a while, then I ended up in therapy, borderline depressed (which side of the line I was on was never clearly defined) but I NEEDED to carry on, keep the professional face at work and the “I’m fine” persona the rest of the time.

I was far from fine. (some of you new this, some of you may have suspected it, and some of you may never have know)

My pain and anger boiled over – The shards of my broken world continued to spray out hitting those closest to me for years. People I did not even know when it happened took the brunt of it years later. And for that I am truly sorry.

The pain and stress I caused is beyond measure, and the knowledge of that is something I will always carry that with me.
However these things will no longer burden me.

I have spent years trying to find myself, trying to be the person that I thought my dad would be proud of and instead I have found the person I am proud of.

The things I know, the mistakes I have made (and there are plenty of those), the excuses I have used, things I am willing to share, and the things I am not! are who I am. They all make me stronger (and weaker in the same moment).

So today may be the anniversary of the day my dad died, but it is ‘just another day’ it is another day where I can have a positive and unique impact on the world.

And for that reason I would like to thank you all for being in my world.

What do you have to gain? Breeaking down Procrastination

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Procrastination is a great one.

To me it is a combination of misunderstandings:

It’s too hard, I can’t do it

Usually the first of these is the misunderstanding about their own abilities. The person feels that the job/task/communication is out of their skillset, the feel that even if they do perform the actions needed they will still not get it right, therefore try to avoid this ‘failure’ by not doing it. Or they want to be proved right , that they are unable to do it, by leaving it so long that they have to rush it and never get to complete it fully, thus proving they were unable to do it. (This gives them a strange self satisfied content feeling that proves they can trust their own judgement)

Need vs Want

The second is that they do not understand the true value of getting that thing done, and how it ties into them achieving their goals.  They do understand that physically that event needs to happen, write a report, do the accounts, clean the house etc, but they do not integrate that with any of their long or short term goals (and the rewards that that will bring) and therefore see everything as a chore that NEEDS to be done rather than a positive action that they WANT to do as it will get them to the point they are looking to be at.
Most people have hobbies/activities that they will always find time for, this is because they WANT to do it because they unconsciously get something from it (pleasure, satisfaction, confidence, interactions etc) this unconscious recognition fuels their want for the next time that activity occurs. (This relates/equates to the self satisfied content feeling mentioned above) Learning to identify the positive rewards from things you WANT to do and seeing if you can find these in the things you NEED to do will help you WANT to do those too.

Lack of, or incorrectly defined goals

This ties in with Needs vs Want, lots of people have incorrectly defined goals, that is to say they have not dug deep enough.
They want a too earn more money, they want a bigger house, they want a partner etc. These are all WANTS but they are not actually identify the true outcome. Earning more money does not in itself change anything, it is what you will do with it (and the rewards that give you) that mean something. Therefore look at the next step to see what that fulfils for you, safety , security, freedom, joy etc as recognising that doing something will bring you joy or freedom is a far better motivator that it bring you an extra £100.

Breatking the cycle

By addressing any or all of these misunderstanding you can break the cycle that you have been caught up in and better relate to completing the thing you have been avoiding.

When you wish upon a Star

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So last night, Tuesday 22nd of April 2012 there was a meteor shower. How many of you got how to look up the sky, so that you could wish upon a Star?Bright Star © Hooyacrusty | <a href="http://www.dreamstime.com/">Dreamstime Stock Photos</a>

We all know in our heart of hearts that wishes rarely come true, but being able to dream a dream helps gives us give us clarity around what we are looking for. A fixed point in time, such as last night can give you that moment that you require to focus one where you choose what to do you really want. One where if everything else, all the pressures ,all the doubts,  were taken away you would hope to find yourself. It is in these moments of clarity that is forced upon us that we can make fundamental decisions and changes.

To make a wish is only the start, to know what to do and how to do it your next steps.

Therefore, if you did wish upon a Star now is the time for action. Make your dream come true by working out the actions you need to take to achieve it. Anything and everything is possible and it is your choice to find the opportunity that will make it happen.

That Friday feeling

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Yesterday I spoke about how everybody appears happier, more cheerful and productive when the sun comes out and posed the question:

What would you do if you could, without fear or anxiety, let your inner sunshine out each and every day?

Crunchie feelingSo today it was no surprise to me to hear the good old phrase “that Friday feeling” again we all know that one :

Thank God it’s Friday

Thank Crunchie it’s Friday

TFI Friday (as Chris Evans re-branded it more than a couple of years ago)

What is it that we are also excited about? What is it about Friday or realistically the weekend that we so look forward to?

Does everybody really hate their job that much that the weekend gives them such freedom, such empowerment , such an ability to be passionate, that’s all they long for all week? Constantly waiting for Friday to be freed to be the person they want to be.

Do you recognise this in yourself, or in your employees or your co-workers?

If you do take 5 minutes to explore that feeling, ask yourself the questions that I’ve listed above. What does that Friday feeling mean to you? Why do you long for it? And how much better would your life be if you have that much passion everything you did?

Learning to harness your Friday feeling and use it each and every day so that everything you do it with passion and commitment opens you up to so many more possibilities and opportunities. If you’re suddenly seen as the person in your office or the supplier with a passion and commitment that nobody else is showing you will shine through. Not only will you be recognised and rewarded but you yourself will be more content as you are seeing the joy in the things you’re doing.

I’m not saying this is easy, most people don’t even know it’s possible. Some people are able to do it on their own, others need support and help.

Now that you know it is possible, just think of the value that could be added to you or your business by simply asking for that help.

Enjoy your Friday Feeling and I hope you have the same one on Monday.

Bring sunshine into your life each and every day

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I got to my laptop this morning to find an inbox full of newsletters.  Apparently the sunshine is out and therefore the world a better place today.

It is without doubt that most people ‘feel’ better and more optimistic when the weather starts to cheer up, but can you really hang your hat of success on this random chaos theory generated phenomenon?

Do you really wait for a sunny day to be successful, or to even consider that you could be?

In reality we all have a little ray of sunshine tucked away inside that nurtures our ego, cuddles our confidence and heightens our optimism it is always there, it always has been (and it always will be) we just keep it hidden away because we think it will burn out if we let it out on its own.

This is why when the sun comes out we let it shine through, we feel the sunshine will help keep it burning bright or even feed it a little.

So, my question to you….

What would you do if you could, without fear or anxiety, let your inner sunshine out each and every day?

Answers on a postcard, or the comments box below would be even better 🙂

Understanding yourself will make you more productive

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Understanding yourself and how you respond best can be a great advantage to you in both personal and business situations. It can help you be more productive in many different ways.

There are a multitude of personality test out their Myers Briggs, Insight and various NLP communication model tests. These all have their place for detailed analysis and team dynamics, but at the most basic level you don’t need them. All these tests look in depth at the way you respond your communication style and prioritise the methods that you are comfortable with.

But you already know this, maybe only unconsciously but you know it, you are the one answering the questions you are the one having the responses. Therefore, at the most basic level, if you simply look at:

  • the things that you do naturally,
  • that you enjoy doing,
  • that you are comfortable with,

you will instantly have a better understanding of what makes you work efficiently.

To give you an example.

I have always felt that I was bad writing. I struggled with GCSEs and A-levels. I was doing science courses, which required me write essays and reports. I knew I had the knowledge but I couldn’t get it down on paper. This came to fruition when I failed my A-levels and seriously needed to do something about.

So I went to one of my lecturers:

I knew I knew it, he know I knew it and we needed to work out how to make sure that the examiners knew I knew it.

I had all the fears and anxieties of failing and not knowing how to communicate effectively. My lecturer took these away by simply talking to me by getting me to talk through the answers rather than writing them down. Being able to verbally express my thoughts  helped me create the structure and then fill in the detail of what I want to talk about, i.e. the essay question.
By applying this technique of having the conversation rather than writing an essay I was able to go back to my A-level biology exam and get a B grade. Since that day I will known that my best style for communicating these verbal. I’m far more comfortable discussing a topic than writing about. Even to this day I prefer picking up the phone to writing an email.

At this point, I’ll mention that my handwriting has always been very poor. Therefore, I didn’t enjoy writing. So my first solution was to type. By having my laptop available to me. I would make notes by typing them up. This enabled me to get details down. I learnt to touch type, although I’m no personal assistant or secretary, I could get by.
But it was still not comfortable. It was still not easy for me to produce documents. My internal dialogue is always far faster than I could type and I would lose my thread as my fingers were catching up with my brain.

Those of you that follow the AIM to Succeed page on Facebook would have seen my comment about Dragon NaturallySpeaking and how enjoying using it. In the last few days. This has freed my creativity, being able to talk naturally and think on my feet (I’m literally wandering around as I write this) has given me new impetus and a new mode of expressing the things I want to say.

I have given you this is at this as an example, so that you can look at yourself and those around you to see if you can spot something that you consistently struggle with. Once you’ve identified this look at how you would like to do it, changing the style in which you work could dramatically increase your productivity, effectiveness and happiness.

Many of you will look inward and you will find your own answers, whereas others will see nothing but problems.

If you would like to find out more about how we could work together please look at the ‘Ideal Clients‘ and ‘How I work as a Business Coach‘ sections

Remember you need to let go sometimes…

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Focus on what you can directly impact and learn to let go when it is out of your control.

This may be a bit off track from the things that I normally talk about but I feel that it is worth sharing. Therefore I am sharing the information I received from Rachel Elnaugh (Ex Dragons Den) They say that holding on to anger/blame/hatred is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die…  By forgiving yourself and others you free yourself up to attract more happiness, more love, more peace and more joy into your life – and at the end of the day isn’t that what we all want? Today’s Blue Moon in Pisces is a rare and special event, symbolising an opportunity for you to completely heal your life.

Healing is not just about physical symptoms it’s about emotional pain too – whether that is anger, blame and resentment over being treated badly by others (or even being abused in childhood), or guilt and shame over things you did (or didn’t do). Unless resolved, these negative energies lower your vibration – making you much more susceptible to ‘dis-ease’ (i.e. illness) as well as far less able to attract prosperity and happiness into your life.

One great way to release yourself from the grip of this emotional baggage is forgiveness.  Forgiving others for what they have done to you.  Asking for forgiveness from others who you have hurt along the way.  And the big one: forgiving YOURSELF for all the mistakes you perceive you’ve made in your life.  (I say ‘perceive’ as there is not really any such thing as a ‘mistake’ when you realise life is one long learning opportunity!)

Here’s a great technique which I learned through listening to a telesummit with happiness guru Marci Shimoff recently.  It is based on the traditional Hawaiian forgiveness ritual Ho?oponopono (ho-o-pono-pono) and it’s very simple… Bring to mind a person or situation or negative feeling which you would like to have healed and say these 4 statements (tailored to the situation):

  • I’m sorry [I hurt you]
  • Please forgive me [for letting you down]
  • Thank you [for all the good times we shared]
  • I love you [and always will] Even if you are asking for forgiveness from another you can do this ritual completely alone – or you can express it to another person either in person or via a phone call/letter/email. Or if you are angry at yourself you can do it in the mirror! And if the source of your anger/resentment is what someone else has done to you, you can use the ritual to forgive them:
  • ‘I’m sorry [I got angry with you]’
  • “I forgive you for [the way you treated me]’
  • ‘Thank you for [the lesson I learned from this]’
  • ‘I love you [and wish you well in life]’

Again, it works even without the other person present, though you may eventually wish to express it to the other person. — I know that receiving this email today has made me think about tensions that I have been holding onto in my own life. So I will be running through the exercise above over the next few days, doing my best to change my perception of some situations in my world. Please try the exercise yourself and share with anyone you know who may get some benefit from it.